Experts for WomanSage

Shannon Ingram
Writer/Speaker/Trainer
Book: The Heart Way-A Journey from Corporate to Care
www.shannoningram.com

When I took on the role of caregiver to my octogenarian parents, I thought no subject would be too difficult to discuss with them. We had always enjoyed open dialogs on a wide variety of topics. We worked together to resolve the issues of taking medications at the appropriate times every day, handling finances, giving up driving in favor of being shuttled wherever they needed to go and living quarters. The only subjects that were off limits were hygiene, and worse, incontinence.

When I did laundry, I was shocked to discover my parents’ undergarments were horribly soiled, and in some cases, their outerwear was too. Taking a shower was no longer a pleasant experience for them, and they didn’t want to talk about it. Every day, they would tell me they felt clean, even if they smelled awful. I tried talking them into letting me give them each a bath and bought a chair and a new hand-held nozzle for their shower. They insisted a quick rub with a washcloth was all it took to stay clean and they could do it themselves, to which I responded, “NOT! And furthermore, you need to wear adult diapers.” With that, they asked me to leave. It was embarrassing for all of us.

Driving home, I realized this was the worst challenge we had encountered. I knew there had to be a better way to support them without sacrificing their dignity. I stopped at the pharmacy and talked to a sympathetic pharmacist who suggested the Depends type of padded underwear for my mom and special plastic pants for dad that could be purchased at the medical supply store. I researched plastic pants on the Internet and found there were several kinds that looked and apparently felt just like “real” underwear.

I bought some products for my parents to sample and took them to their home the next day. Thankfully, Mom and Dad were happy to see me. I asked if we could sit down at the kitchen table and talk about the nasty subject of “leaking.” They agreed. I shared with them what I had researched and they checked out my purchases. I had bought a special garbage can for them to use solely for this purpose. They were impressed, even grateful. I shared with them that almost everyone their age was using these products and Mom said, “So it’s not just our dirty little secret.” We laughed.

That was three years ago. Today, they have adjusted to living with padded underwear, although Dad still misses his old boxer shorts. They allow me or their other caregiver to give them a bath now. With “time, love and tenderness” – the lyrics to one of my favorite songs - even the most degrading topics can be discussed and resolved in caregiving.

What’s your experience of tackling incontinence? Do you have any tips or questions? Please share with us.

Marsha A. Temlock:: Author “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do” (impact Publishers, Inc. 2006)

Believe it or not but many people going through divorce want to maintain good relationships with the so-called ex-laws post-divorce. Divorce spells loss for everyone — it is probably one of the most difficult terrains to cross especially for grandparents who fear they will not see their grandkids when the parents split and the courts decide the custody issues.

The stats tell the story: Even when there is joint custody, the maternal grandparents are more likely to maintain and even enhance their relationship with the grandchildren, but if it’s the son, their relationship is likely to be diminished in quantity and probably quality.

Here are some suggestions how to say I love you to grandchildren to avoid missing out on their love and affection when their parents separate or divorce –

The general rule of thumb that should guide grandparents is understanding that children of all ages can only profit by having as much love around them as possible during tough times, so don’t remove yourself from the scene even if it means going against your grain and opening the door with the in-law with whom you hold hard feelings. (And feelings of ill-will are understandable!)

1. Open the door right after the breakup by sending an e-mail, making a phone call, text-messaging, sending a card. In other words, do whatever it takes to say I love the kids and want to stay in touch. Express your concerns up front. After all, you are human and have a right to be concerned.

2. Bite your tongue and accept the fact you may have to hear some negative stuff about your own child from both the in-law and your grandchildren who are hurting. Keep in mind, nerves are raw but they will heal by-and-by. Be the “big” one and set the standard for civility.

3. Discuss visitation concerns. Grandparents have to accept the fact that visitation is a gift not a given (At least according to current court rulings about grandparents’ rights). If you fear losing your grandkids, have your son or daughter, write something in the divorce agreement about your visitation privileges, but don’t count on this being upheld in court. It may be that something “official” will work to your benefit.

4. Do your very best to make visitations stress-free. Don’t ply the grand kids with questions about the in-law.

5. Stick to the rules set down by the custodial parent and show your appreciation that you’ve spent time with them. Chances are if you observe the rules you’ll get to see the kids again.

6. Give lots of advance notice if you have a special occasion and you want to see the grandchildren.

7. Don’t come on too strong in the beginning about seeing the grandchildren while the parents are trying desperately to reorganize their lives. You may have to settle for crumbs at the outset.

8. Always say something positive about the in-law so the “nice words” are carried back. Dig deep if you have to.

In summary: Loving relationships are hand-hammered. Sometimes the material we have to work with is resistant and can get easily dented. The final product is worth the care. And try to be a grandparenting friend, not a foe to maintain the all-important loving relationship.

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Author: “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do”
Impact Publishers, Inc. (2006)
visit my web site: http://www.yourchildsdivorce.com