Shannon Ingram
Writer/Speaker/Trainer
Book: The Heart Way-A Journey from Corporate to Care
www.shannoningram.com
When I took on the role of caregiver to my octogenarian parents, I thought no subject would be too difficult to discuss with them. We had always enjoyed open dialogs on a wide variety of topics. We worked together to resolve the issues of taking medications at the appropriate times every day, handling finances, giving up driving in favor of being shuttled wherever they needed to go and living quarters. The only subjects that were off limits were hygiene, and worse, incontinence.
When I did laundry, I was shocked to discover my parents’ undergarments were horribly soiled, and in some cases, their outerwear was too. Taking a shower was no longer a pleasant experience for them, and they didn’t want to talk about it. Every day, they would tell me they felt clean, even if they smelled awful. I tried talking them into letting me give them each a bath and bought a chair and a new hand-held nozzle for their shower. They insisted a quick rub with a washcloth was all it took to stay clean and they could do it themselves, to which I responded, “NOT! And furthermore, you need to wear adult diapers.” With that, they asked me to leave. It was embarrassing for all of us.
Driving home, I realized this was the worst challenge we had encountered. I knew there had to be a better way to support them without sacrificing their dignity. I stopped at the pharmacy and talked to a sympathetic pharmacist who suggested the Depends type of padded underwear for my mom and special plastic pants for dad that could be purchased at the medical supply store. I researched plastic pants on the Internet and found there were several kinds that looked and apparently felt just like “real” underwear.
I bought some products for my parents to sample and took them to their home the next day. Thankfully, Mom and Dad were happy to see me. I asked if we could sit down at the kitchen table and talk about the nasty subject of “leaking.” They agreed. I shared with them what I had researched and they checked out my purchases. I had bought a special garbage can for them to use solely for this purpose. They were impressed, even grateful. I shared with them that almost everyone their age was using these products and Mom said, “So it’s not just our dirty little secret.” We laughed.
That was three years ago. Today, they have adjusted to living with padded underwear, although Dad still misses his old boxer shorts. They allow me or their other caregiver to give them a bath now. With “time, love and tenderness” – the lyrics to one of my favorite songs - even the most degrading topics can be discussed and resolved in caregiving.
What’s your experience of tackling incontinence? Do you have any tips or questions? Please share with us.
September 17th, 2007 - 2:36 pm
Shannon,
You are right on the mark. Thanks for giving this hurdle a realistic avenue of approach. Twenty years ago we talked with our girfriends about our men, career and the latest hot spot. Now we talk about a parent’s incontinence issues. There’s got to be a stand-up routine in there somewhere!! Take care. kc
September 17th, 2007 - 2:59 pm
Great article, Shannon. My mom went to the full-on padded diaper type panties about two years ago and finally doesn’t worry about incontinence. She really likes them. I think most women will have to face this problem someday. It seems our bladders just begin to give out. I can already tell I’ll have this kind of problem. My dad had colon/rectal cancer about two years ago and now has a colostomy. This is another big problem that I hope most caregivers will not have to deal with. They often leak! My mom is still able to help him, and thank goodness she is so good and doesn’t mind it. But he refuses to go just about anywhere now except out to a short meal out because he fears having a problem. I won’t go into the details, but there is no control at all. It’s pretty tough.
I live a long way from my parents (across the country) and my sister has taken on much of the support on a daily basis. I feel guilty. Another problem for those of us baby boomers who can’t do more.
September 17th, 2007 - 3:00 pm
Shannon,
I’ve never known you to shy away from hard truths. Thank you for taking on this touchy subject. As usual, your writing is compassionately humorous.
Aloha,
Pam
September 17th, 2007 - 7:58 pm
Great article. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones, my parents took care of this all by themselves!! Right now my mom’s biggest source of embarrasment is that she now has hearing aids. We (my sisters and I) all let her know that we wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t told us.
Way to go mom!!
Sandy Malec
November 7th, 2008 - 8:12 pm
Thank you Shannan, My mother is 85 and my father is 90. Neither is able to converse easily, but when they could, I also found the discussion to be a difficult one. Most of us in the sandwich generation are doing the best we can to loveingly meet our parents needs. However, for most of us working with the elderly is a new experince everyday, one which we are learning as we go. Thank goodness we all have each other to pass on the information as we need it.