Experts for WomanSage

By Marsha A. Temlock, M.A.
Author: Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do

According to one market research company, Age Wave Communications, the five best things grandparents can do to make grandkids happy are: take them out to eat, have a sleepover, go shopping, play games, and watch TV together. Sounds easy, right? Unfortunately, the role is more complicated when parents get divorced and grandparents must do double-duty.

Of course, not all grandparents are pulled into the divorce fray. But many find themselves caught in the tug of war while trying to bind family wounds and be there for their grandkids.

Case in point: Helen R. had just moved to a retirement community when her son announced he and his wife were splitting.

“My life was turned topsy-turvy,” she admits. “Edward had no place to go so I told him to come home. I set up a cot and two cribs in the guest room for when the girls slept over. That was three years ago. So far it’s cost me $75,000 in lawyer’s fees while their parents battle over custody. It’s terrible, just terrible. I’m exhausted and there’s no end in sight.”

In my guide (“Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect … What You Can Do”) that takes seniors through the five stages of the son or daughter’s divorce, I tell grandparents the best way to help grieving and confused grandchildren is to provide consistency, security, safety and freedom from stress. To make their home a neutral place where they, as well as the grandkids, can escape the divorce battlefield and comfort one another.

Here are some more helpful tips:

* Don’t ply grandkids with questions about their home life. Try to be positive about the time they spend with each parent. Don’t disparage either one, even if it means digging deep.

* Respect the grandchild’s confidence unless he or she is in danger. It’s natural for children to complain about parents who are focused on themselves. Complaining is a way of testing grandma’s loyalty.

* Be aware that grandparents can become the enemy by association if their son or daughter was the leaver. The best advice is to turn the other cheek and continue to express your love.

* Finally, resist throwing out the wedding album because grandparents provide a context for the younger generation. One day, when tempers cool, that angry grandkid will want to see you twenty pounds thinner, decked out in that sequin dress, your arms around his or her father.

Studies have shown that grandparents are victims like kids of their parents’ decision to end their marriage. This is a chance to form close bonds with the younger generation. Even if you are a long-distance grandparent, you can make a difference. It’s just a question of knowing what to expect and what you can do.

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I am currently researching my next book, Grandparenting After Your Child’s Divorce and would like to hear your grandparent story. Please contact me at mtemlockauthor@aol.com and visit my web site www.yourchildsdivorce.com.

Marsha A. Temlock:: Author “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do” (impact Publishers, Inc. 2006)

Believe it or not but many people going through divorce want to maintain good relationships with the so-called ex-laws post-divorce. Divorce spells loss for everyone — it is probably one of the most difficult terrains to cross especially for grandparents who fear they will not see their grandkids when the parents split and the courts decide the custody issues.

The stats tell the story: Even when there is joint custody, the maternal grandparents are more likely to maintain and even enhance their relationship with the grandchildren, but if it’s the son, their relationship is likely to be diminished in quantity and probably quality.

Here are some suggestions how to say I love you to grandchildren to avoid missing out on their love and affection when their parents separate or divorce –

The general rule of thumb that should guide grandparents is understanding that children of all ages can only profit by having as much love around them as possible during tough times, so don’t remove yourself from the scene even if it means going against your grain and opening the door with the in-law with whom you hold hard feelings. (And feelings of ill-will are understandable!)

1. Open the door right after the breakup by sending an e-mail, making a phone call, text-messaging, sending a card. In other words, do whatever it takes to say I love the kids and want to stay in touch. Express your concerns up front. After all, you are human and have a right to be concerned.

2. Bite your tongue and accept the fact you may have to hear some negative stuff about your own child from both the in-law and your grandchildren who are hurting. Keep in mind, nerves are raw but they will heal by-and-by. Be the “big” one and set the standard for civility.

3. Discuss visitation concerns. Grandparents have to accept the fact that visitation is a gift not a given (At least according to current court rulings about grandparents’ rights). If you fear losing your grandkids, have your son or daughter, write something in the divorce agreement about your visitation privileges, but don’t count on this being upheld in court. It may be that something “official” will work to your benefit.

4. Do your very best to make visitations stress-free. Don’t ply the grand kids with questions about the in-law.

5. Stick to the rules set down by the custodial parent and show your appreciation that you’ve spent time with them. Chances are if you observe the rules you’ll get to see the kids again.

6. Give lots of advance notice if you have a special occasion and you want to see the grandchildren.

7. Don’t come on too strong in the beginning about seeing the grandchildren while the parents are trying desperately to reorganize their lives. You may have to settle for crumbs at the outset.

8. Always say something positive about the in-law so the “nice words” are carried back. Dig deep if you have to.

In summary: Loving relationships are hand-hammered. Sometimes the material we have to work with is resistant and can get easily dented. The final product is worth the care. And try to be a grandparenting friend, not a foe to maintain the all-important loving relationship.

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Author: “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do”
Impact Publishers, Inc. (2006)
visit my web site: http://www.yourchildsdivorce.com